I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
NoShamevember. You game?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
