You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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