Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
honey bunches of taint.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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