Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I think I have vodka in my lungs
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
