I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
