Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
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Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
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I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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