my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
