the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Randomize
