I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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