you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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