it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
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You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
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We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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