I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Watching her eat just hurts me
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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