3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize