The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
