i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
