My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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