I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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