Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
