I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
