I like to think it a success when the cops are called
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Randomize
