Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
