remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous