I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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