i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
