I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
