I can tuck mytits in my pants
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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