I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
