peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
