You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
