Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
