Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
