What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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