She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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