Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
