saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
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I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
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like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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