Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
