only you would photoshop your dick
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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