while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
