i'm lost and i look like a hooker
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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