Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
