and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
