marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Soap is not a condiment
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
