Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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