your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
