Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
