there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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