He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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