Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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