No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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