If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
