sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
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