and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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