I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize