even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Randomize
