So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
