Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
