im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
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I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
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Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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